Emotional Intelligence: What To Do When Your Relationship Doesn't Have It

Have you ever experienced the feeling that your partner simply doesn’t understand your emotions, or even worse, completely dismiss them?

It's a common and frustrating experience that many partners encounter in their relationships. Communication can sometimes feel like an intricate dance, where one misstep leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It's important to remember that everyone perceives and expresses emotions differently. While it may seem like your partner is not listening or understanding, they might just be struggling to interpret your emotional cues.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions, both your own and those of others. When EQ is lacking in relationships, it can result in misunderstandings, frustration, emotional disconnection, and ultimately, detrimental communication patterns.

This article will delve into how couples can manage their relationships when one partner struggles with emotional intelligence, utilizing concepts and interventions from the Gottman Method. It aims to highlight the significance of emotional intelligence while offering practical steps for couples to enhance their emotional bond. By combining the theory of emotional intelligence with the practical tools of the Gottman Method, couples can cultivate a healthier and more emotionally attuned relationship.

What is Emotional Intelligence in Relationships 

EQ involves recognizing your emotions and leveraging that understanding to connect with others in a meaningful way. In the context of relationships, this is crucial for fostering emotional safety, trust, and strong connections. In last month’s newsletter article entitled:  When Communication Turns Toxic: How To Tame The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse, I  highlighted four destructive communication patterns that can damage relationships and predict potential breakups and divorces.  

Here are four signs your relationship lacks EQ:

1.  Inability to Understand Each Other’s Emotions:  If your partner struggles to understand your emotional cues or doesn’t acknowledge your feelings, it’s a sign that empathy is lacking, which is a key component of EQ. One or both partners struggle to empathize with each other's emotions, leading to misunderstandings and a sense of emotional disconnect.

2. Frequent Misunderstandings:  Without EQ, partners might feel misunderstood or frustrated because they are not   attuned to each other’s emotional needs. Conversations often feel like a game of miscommunication, with partners talking 

past each other rather than truly understanding and addressing each other's feelings and needs.

3.  Avoiding Difficult Conversations:  Gottman’s research suggests that couples who avoid discussing important emotional

issues often experience a breakdown in intimacy and emotional connection. Important issues are often swept under the rug, resulting in unresolved conflicts that erode trust and intimacy over time (Gottman, 1999).   For further details on  emotional withdrawal, see Chapter 5 of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work which you can purchase here.  

4.  Escalating Conflict:  When emotions aren’t regulated properly, small conflicts can quickly escalate, whether excessive anger or withdrawal, and is common as partners find it challenging to regulate their emotions healthily.  

Cultivating emotional intelligence within a relationship involves active listening, practicing empathy, and fostering open and honest communication. By working together, partners can build a stronger, more emotionally intelligent connection.

The Impact of Low Emotional Intelligence on Relationships

Emotional Distance and Disconnection- Without emotional intelligence, one or both partners may begin to feel distant, as though their emotional needs are not being understood or respected. This can lead to a sense of isolation within the relationship, where conversations become superficial, and meaningful connections start to fade. Over time, this emotional chasm can widen, resulting in misunderstandings and resentment. To bridge this gap, it's essential to cultivate emotional awareness and sensitivity, ensuring that each partner feels heard and valued. By actively listening and responding with empathy, couples can rebuild trust and intimacy, fostering a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship.

Increased Conflict and Unresolved Issues- When partners lack EQ, conflict may become constant and unresolved. This can lead to a cycle of negativity, where small disagreements escalate into major arguments. Over time, the inability to effectively communicate and empathize with each other can create emotional distance, eroding the foundation of the relationship. Couples may find themselves stuck in a pattern of blame and defensiveness, unable to reach a resolution or understanding. Developing EQ can be key in breaking this cycle, fostering a more harmonious and resilient partnership.

Resentment and Frustration- When a partner’s emotional needs go unrecognized, resentment can build up over time, leading to frustration and bitterness in the relationship. It's important to address these feelings early on to prevent them from festering. Open and honest communication can be a crucial tool in understanding and validating each other's needs. Taking time to listen actively and express feelings without blame can pave the way for a more empathetic connection. Additionally, setting aside quality time to nurture the relationship can help rebuild trust and intimacy. Seeking the assistance of a counselor or therapist can also provide valuable guidance and strategies to navigate these challenges effectively. Remember, prioritizing emotional well-being is essential in maintaining a healthy and fulfilling partnership.

Five Ways to Improve Emotional Intelligence in Your Relationship: A Gottman Method Approach

1. Increase Self-Awareness: One way to increase self-awareness is through Gottman’s Love Maps (knowing your partner’s world and emotions). By taking time to learn more about each other’s inner world—emotions, fears, and desires—you can become more attuned to your partner’s emotional state.

2. Practice Empathy: To practice empathy, focus on turning towards (a Gottman technique that encourages emotional responsiveness) your partner’s bids for connection. Instead of dismissing or ignoring their emotions, show that you understand  by acknowledging and validating their feelings.

3. Develop Healthy Communication Skills: Start difficult conversations gently with a soft start-up. This is a Gottman technique to handle difficult conversations with kindness and respect. Instead of criticizing, express your emotions using ‘I feel’ statements, and ask for what you need rather than pointing out what your partner did wrong.

4. Manage Emotions Constructively: When emotions are running high, take a moment to practice self-soothing. Gottman suggests physiological self-soothing techniques, like deep breathing or taking a short break to manage emotions during conflicts by calming yourself down before continuing a difficult conversation.

5. Seek Outside Help: Couples therapy and workshops grounded in the Gottman Method can help partners improve their emotional intelligence by learning better communication techniques, managing conflict, and deepening their emotional connection.  I specialize in Gottman Method Couples Therapy and offer a Gottman based workshop.

Ultimately, EQ is essential for creating a relationship filled with understanding, respect, and intimacy. When both partners work to develop their EQ, they strengthen their bond and navigate challenges more effectively. Remember, building a strong emotional connection takes time and patience. With mutual effort and understanding, you can nurture a relationship where both partners feel valued and heard.  

If you notice a lack of EQ in your relationship, it’s never too late to make a change. Start by improving communication, increasing empathy, and practicing emotional awareness—together. If you need guidance on improving your relationship or want to start Gottman Method Couples Therapy, I offer a complimentary 20-minute phone consultation. I’d love to help you build a stronger, more emotionally intelligent partnership.